PONDERINGS FROM THE ETERNAL NOW
April 2005 #21

Dearest Friends,

In my last Ponderings I had hoped to give you the results of our appeal. On March 17 th a decision was rendered 3-0. We lost!

The story of how I found out is a bit humorous. At mail call on March 22 nd I was given a book and my letters. I started with the book, Walter , the Farting Dog . The dedication page shows Walter in a jail cell with the inscription: “For everyone who's ever felt misjudged or misunderstood.” The story is hilarious and the artwork is magnificent.

Next I opened my large Marywood Dominican mailing and a note read:

Dear Carol ,
A blessed Easter! So sorry to hear the decision about the appeal.
Peace, Laurina

I thought to myself, “Oh, we must have lost the appeal. I hadn't heard.”

Next I opened the Jonah House envelope and the news was right in front of me. My heart did sink. I was disappointed and I awoke at 1:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep.

Many of you will think I'm crazy but - Yes, I did have a glimmer of hope that justice would win or at least 1-2! But yikes 3 – 0!

So “for everyone who has felt misjudged or misunderstood” Walter might be just what you need to read these days!

The most difficult part for me is knowing that when I leave in less than 60 days – May 23 rd , my best friend Ardeth still has 7 months in prison and I can't visit her.

The lawyers are deciding the next steps. I'm waiting to read the 27 page response. The wars go on, 34 schools will close in Detroit, MI due to lack of money, no increase in minimum wage, drilling begins in Artic Alaska, the prisons overflow with nonviolent, first time offenders, and on and on and on and we have a “culture of life” according to our president.

And so I ask myself many times a day: “Where is hope in the midst of this news? Where is God?” God is weeping. God is present in the miracles of each day and calling us to greater contemplation. To greater contemplation because it is very easy these days to forget who we are and what we are about.

We need to sit with our martyrs, our prophets and our stories. We need to gather strength from each other for the long haul, for the rest of our lives.

My deepest hope has been to live faithfully so that not one child would ever ask me, “Where were you? Why were you complicit?”

Each day is a gift from God. Each day our task is to love those in our midst. Wherever we find ourselves we are where we need to be at that moment in time – our eternal now.

The daffodils are struggling to bloom, the robins have returned and I saw house finches the other day. When we want to know if we're going to get flurries one of the older West Virginia inmates tells us, “ Yes, there's snow eggs on them there mountains (patches of snow) and Mother Hen's coming to cover ‘em over!”

A drunk man wandered on to the grounds one Saturday about 2:00 a.m. and was arrested by the State Police.

I fell on some gravel while walking one afternoon and suffered a black eye and swollen lip. Ice worked miracles and just scratched and bent glasses - no broken bones and no broken teeth. Many women have fallen due to loose gravel as new water lines are being laid. Many guards wanted a full report as they feared an inmate attacked me.

My last team meeting was a complete farce. Six adults all talking at the same time and my case manager trying to talk above them. I did receive an outstanding job report on the “bathrooms!” No news from the MD probation department about my return and I assured the team I would be going to Jonah House .

No, I did not crochet the poncho for Martha . I gave her a royal purple bookmark I made and blessed her with our “witness for peace” blessing.

Our visiting hours have been changed due to budget cuts and staff has been cut.

Thank you for the beautiful Easter/Spring cards and wishes. Your on going actions fill me with hope. I was also able to treat some of the poorer women with Easter chocolates because of your generosity. THANK YOU!

I want to close with this definition of peace:

peace.
it does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble
or hard work. It means to be in
the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart.
(unknown)

Please know that I am calm in my heart these days. In fact, sometimes I'm afraid I might be too calm and not ready for the work “in the trenches” that awaits me.

Last year in April I wrote of my gift of tears. I still have this gift and it might be the only gift I bring you when released next month.

With loving gratitude,
Carol Gilbert , O.P. #10856-039
Federal Prison Camp
PO Box A
Alderson WV 24910